


wavering tides

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Self Harm, Suicide Attempts, my life story, self hate, sexual abuse mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 05:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5035231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She tucks the thought away like a secret in her palm, crushing it until it’s gone.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>A life story about me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wavering tides

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sybris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sybris/gifts).



She’s six years old when sitting in home school group, hearing the parents talk about nothing as their faces fade to morphs of blankness. 

She cannot tell what they think, their expressions are foriegn to her. She turns her attention back to the teenage girl in front of her who gives her a hug and tells her how pretty her hair is. So long, flowing, beautiful.

**_It’s the first time she thinks she wants to kiss a girl._ **

**_She tucks the thought away like a secret in her palm, crushing it until it’s gone._ **

–

She’s eight years old when her father hits her for the first time.

The bruise on her forehead is prominent against her sickly white skin. She doesn’t eat enough. When she does, she eats too much and pukes it back up. The acid is always stuck there. The taste hurts. She’s skin and bones and she hates it, wishes she could curl into herself and become dust. Her skin is pale enough to pass as dust.

**_She just needs to crumble._ **

–

She’s nine, and Mom and Dad argue every day. 

The words strike eachother like the palm that hits her whenever she speaks up. She gets placed on new medicine for her disabilities, and suddenly the food she denies gets swallowed up. People watching may have wandering thoughts about why she ate so much.

**_What void was she trying to fill with the food?_ **

–

Her birthdays are filled with pink. She doesn’t know why, but it makes her want to puke. The color surrounds her vision until there is nothing left. She is covered in magenta and a light, light red. She tries to convince herself that the icing on the cake just made her nauseous. It was only a tiny setback. Things would get better.

**_She smiles, hiding the purplish skin underneath her bright, pink smattered shirt._ **

–

She’s eleven and she wishes it would all end. 

The touches that come to her in the basement at night are scarring, and she sees his face at night in the shadows of herself. The covers only serve as a reminder in the morning when they are pulled off. She turns the shower to the hottest setting to try and burn off the touch she still feels.

**_It hurts._ **

–

She’s twelve and she’s just sort of… There.

Her friends talk and she smiles and laughs and always wears long sleeved shirts, even in the summer on scorching days. She exists but her mind wanders far too much and some days she brings the shaving razor too hard against her wrist, the blood pouring onto the tiles. But it’s okay, because she has to wear a long sleeved shirt anyways.

**_She exists, but she doesn’t really mean anything._ **

–

She’s thirteen when she first tries to commit suicide.

The pills go down her throat steadily, sliding and gliding down the tunnel as she gulps the water, tears pricking her eyes as the taste of the rotten Tylenol drifts around like a haunting ghost.

**_Her sister finds her later that night, and she survives._ **

–

She’s still thirteen, but it’s a little bit later in the year, and she thinks she might not really be a female.

Her breasts are too much for her on some days but on other days they’re just right. Her feminine features make her want to punch a mirror but certain times she smiles and studies how cute and adorable it is with the short fringe framing her face. She doesn’t know why, but it’s like a roller coaster that keeps going and it makes her dizzy with uneasiness, unsure if one morning she’ll wake up and see what she doesn’t want to see.

**_She doesn’t speak at dinner that night, Mom and Dad fighting as she sits in her room sipping cold soup from the spoon._ **

–

She’s fourteen, and it’s her birthday.

She spends it at the shelter for abused women with her mom and sister. Dad had gotten arrested the night before, the stinging venom becoming too much for any of the family to handle. Her brother stays with a friend instead of coming with them. Mom is a woman. 

**_She should’ve stayed quiet and small, because “that was her job.”_ **

–

She’s fifteen, and she finally has friends.

They like the same things she does, and she feels as if she can actually laugh beside them. They make her comfortable with herself.

**_She’s okay._ **


End file.
